This blog is written entirely in jest. I'm pretty sure you could be arrested if you do some of the stuff in here. So don't.
If it offends you, leave. The internet is a big place. Surely you can find something - like the Sesame Street website - that will appeal to your sensibilities.

Sunday, August 28, 2011

Shopping for Your Indentured Servant

Shopping for an indentured servant can be a very difficult and taxing process. After many hours of research and experience, I have compiled (what I consider to be) a complete guide on the process of selecting and duping the person into indentured servitude hiring your new servant.

1. How to find a prospective indentured servant

  • You may be thinking to yourself, "I don't even know where to begin looking for my indentured servant." Well, fear not, brave reader, for I will tell you of a place filled with just the sort of person that you are looking for - someone who is poor and destitute with little to no hope of a future.

Excellent place to find indentured servants. Really, any of the big box stores will do nicely.

  • This place and other similar big box stores are filled with prime candidates for your new indentured servant. You might also look in the art department at your local community college; however, if you do this, be sure to give the candidate a drug screening before forcing allowing them to be your indentured servant. Potheads are notoriously lazy.
2. How to trick hire them into indentured servitude.
  • I have to confess, this one can be difficult if you have never done it before, but with practice, you will soon become an expert at convincing the chosen one that they want to be your indentured servant. The key is to give them an offer that is almost irresistible (e.g. You can live with me for no rent and I will pay for all of your food). Once you have their attention, continue to focus on what is in it for them. If they ask any questions about what you will require of them, brush these questions aside like you will brush aside their complaints once you have them.
3. How to get your new indentured servant home.
  • If your indentured servant has a car make him drive himself home.
  • If he does not have a car, you can let him ride with you. I highly discourage placing your new indentured servant in the trunk, as he may break on the way home.
    • Special Note: While the trunk is off-limits, so is the front seat. Your indentured servant must never feel like an equal.
I hope this advice helps you in your search. Good luck and happy hunting searching!

Future posts will focus more on my very own indentured servant. If anyone were actually reading this blog, I would make a poll on what to name her. Oh well. You guys missed out.

Wednesday, August 17, 2011


According to Wikipedia "An indentured servant [is] a worker, typically a laborer or tradesman, under contract to an employer for a fixed period of time, typically three to seven years, in exchange for their transportation, food, clothing, lodging and other necessities."